Talk with kids about a new approach

By Laura Giovanelli

JOURNAL reporter

Your talent is valuable– make it a gift.

from the Winston-Salem Journal Holiday Guide

It seems there’s no in-between during the holidays when it comes handing out gifts to kids. You’re either the giver or the Grinch. Shower them with presents, and you spoil them. Hold back, and you look stingy.

There is a better way, experts say, to show your love to children — without becoming that painfully-practical-minded relative who probably doles out raisins for Halloween, too.

Whether you cut back on holiday spending because of necessity or out of pure frustration with commercialism, gift-giving to kids can be part of budgeting, too. This Christmas could be the beginning of a kind Christmas that relies more on experiences and traditions than on video games and toys.

“Every January, many people have that realization that ‘Oh, wow, I really spent too much,’” said Nathan Dungan, the president of the financial-education organization Share Save Spend. “The default system is see money, spend money. At both ends of the spectrum, families that have really paid attention to their finances, they have a lot less money stress. They have a much easier time living within their means.”

First off, don’t go cold turkey, Dungan suggests. Don’t go from piles of gifts to nothing.

Start with expectations. Sit down and talk to your children. Explain what kind of Christmas you envision (or what Santa is thinking of, if your kids are young — maybe times are also tight at the North Pole, or Santa’s decided to give kids whose parents have been laid off more). If you can’t give the world, or don’t want to, talk with them. “If you match a kid’s expectations, they will be very happy,” said Jo Robinson, who wrote Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season with Jean Coppock Staeheli.

Maybe you give fewer gifts, ones that are real

ly thought out instead of impulse buys to simply fill space under the tree. Maybe you want to spend this year’s budget on a family trip rather than presents. Maybe you want to spend part of your holiday volunteering, or make a family commitment to give back more in the coming new year. Talk about your decision together.

Kids might push back at first, Dungan said. “But then they get a much different sense of reality. We grossly underestimate what kids can understand with respect to this topic.

“It creates an opening on how (families) do the holidays. At the end of the day, say, ‘This is what we are going to do.’ It might be a little awkward that first year, but families that have taken this route and adopted this, their holidays are a much more pleasant experience. Everything we do about money expresses a value about what we believe.”

Consider these ways to give differently:

• Dungan has no kids of his own, but he has a lot of nieces and nephews. Every year at Christmas, he and his wife give each of them $50 to keep for themselves and $50 to give away to a charity of their choice. “It doesn’t have to be that amount,” he said. “It’s the spirit of it. And the only thing we require of them is to tell us what they did with it.”

• Keep in mind charities that allow you to be flexible with how your donations will be used. Heifer International, an organization that fights hunger, puts out a “gift” catalog every year to solicit donations. You can “buy” a water buffalo for a donation of $250 or a flock of chickens for $20. Let kids choose what animals to buy.

• Give children money for college savings. If you’re a parent with overzealous grandparents on your hands, this is a feel-good alternative.

• Getting something in the mail is thrilling for every kid. Start a child on a series of books, such as the Laura Ingalls Wilder books or if you know the only kid on the planet who hasn’t read the Harry Potter series. Give them the first book for Christmas and then send them the next one every month for a year. Or if you get them a toy, get part of a set that you can add to with small pieces in the mail each month, such as Legos.

• Spread out a gift with a subscription to an age-appropriate magazine: Highlights, Ranger Rick or Cricket are a few.

• Add an experience if you decide to downsize on the presents. Promise and plan a trip to their grandparents. Do something with that child that you know they’ll like. If they like trains, take them out to lunch and on a train ride (Amtrak’s Piedmont train travels daily between Raleigh and Charlotte, with stops in Greensboro and High Point: go to (http://www.amtrak.com.) If you know a young animal lover, take them to the N.C. Zoo in Asheboro (http://www.nczoo.org), or to the Carnivore Preservation Trust in Pittsboro, a 55-acre refuge for tigers, jaguars and other big cats (http://www.cptigers.org).

  Plan these trips post-Christmas so that children have something to look forward to.

• Make a dollhouse instead of buying a pre-fab one. Fill it with personal touches, such as mini-framed photos of your own family and pets.

• Make Christmas more of a season of traditions than just working up to one day of gluttony. Make a family outing out of a trip to a choose-and-cut tree farm in the mountains. Collect boughs and pine cones in the woods together. Make cookies (and don’t worry if your little one mangles the dough). “It’s important that Christmas be more than presents,” Robinson said.

For more ideas, go to page 26.

Laura Giovanelli can be reached at 727-7302 or at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).